


Must be the Mayor

by orphan_account



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, WTF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-10 05:15:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10429941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The title is a play on the saying “must be the milkman”… which is said when a child doesn’t really look like the father, if you get my drift.WARNING: this story is all sorts of wrong. Not meant to be canon. Just a fun look at all the sordid things that COULD be going on.





	

 

You walk into the doctor’s office only to find it empty. Gingerly you peek through the door to the bedroom, hoping that Harvey won’t mind your intrusion.

“James! Come in!” Harvey says warmly. Phew – thank heavens the materialistic bastard hadn’t died from eating too many pickles, and considers you a friend.

“What are you doing?” you ask brightly.

Harvey’s eyes widen. “Er… I’m just listening for radio waves.”

“Sounds fun!” you say. Before he can protest, you rip off the headphones to have a listen.

You blush as you realise the sounds you were hearing were rather… adult.

Harvey looks from side to side. “You caught me,” he said, giggling nervously. “I was… trying to figure out which house it’s picking up.”

“Right…” you reply, nonplussed. Then you frown… indeed, which house WAS it coming from?

“Oh, you are so much better than the Mayor!” a faint female voice said.

Damn, this is raising more questions than giving answers!

You quickly excuse yourself.

\--

The next day, you decide to trail the Mayor. You shoo away Linus when he looks at you quizzically for hiding in the blackberry bush in the Mayor’s garden.

Damn, that morning sun was making you hot. Where the hell is he?

Finally, you hear a creak of the front door.

Trying to look casual by searching for forage, you discreetly follow him.

It was very obvious that it was Marnie’s house. You made a look of disgust – half a day wasted when you could be doing other things.

But, on the other hand, you didn’t recognise her voice from the radio. Could this bear more investigation?

\--

Darn, it was raining. Forgot to watch the TV yesterday.

Crawling under the old car out front, you wait patiently for him to leave.

Fortunately there weren’t many people about in this weather. You only hope that the footprints aren’t left in the mud.

Surely this was the way to the mountain?

You listen outside the door.

“Lewis!” Robin said. A smooching sound could be heard. “Come, let’s go to the basement. Sebby usually isn’t here when it rains.”

You could hear the Mayor chuckling.

What the fuck?

Disgusted, you decide to go to Pierre’s to pick up some seeds. Giving him a friendly wave, you enter the back rooms.

Caroline was talking to Abigail in their room.

Oh well, if they wanted to have a private conversation, they should have locked it.

“And that’s who your father actually is-” Caroline stopped short. Abigail barely registered my presence, looking spooked.

My jaw must’ve dropped.

“Don’t look at me like that!” hissed Caroline, shutting the door. “What could you expect me to do, hearing about Pierre’s affair? And with that bitch who said she was lonely after her husband went off to fight. Do you think that I also can’t get my satisfaction elsewhere?”

“Mayor Lewis is Abigail’s father?” you stammered.

“Mayor Lewis?” Caroline laughed. “That old self-appointed Casanova? Oh no, I’d be surprised if he had any sperm left after all this time. No, no, no – definitely not him, ahaha. Oops, time to do the washing up-” with that, she dashed off.

“So who is your father?” you asked.

Abigail’s response was to burst into tears and run into her room.

Dammit, you didn’t give her all those expensive amethysts for nothing.

Opening her door, you see her at the TV, playing a video game.

“Hey, James,” she said amidst tears, “I’ll tell you who my father is if you help me beat all the levels of Journey of the Prairie King.”

You got the fuck out of there as quickly as possible.

\--

Fuck this literally fucked community – dammit, you needed more ore.

Running north to the mountain, you see Robin under a tree, sobbing.

“Oh…” she said, abashed.

“I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s OK. I guess I could use someone to talk to.”

You sit next to her, waiting patiently.

She sighed. “It’s always been this way. I don’t know why I do what I do. I tell people that Sebastian is from a previous marriage, even though we were never married… and as much as I love Demetrius, something just comes over me whenever I see Lewis…”

She burst into tears, and you put a comforting arm around her.

“You should always feel like you can have what you deserve, even if it’s just peace of mind,” you say.

“Thank you, James,” she said, sniffing. “I needed to hear a kind word.”

Giving her an encouraging smile, you left for your cave mission.

\--

Still perturbed by seeing this apparently perfect community crumbling into pieces, you set out the next day to do more menial tasks.

You gave a nod to Lewis as he was walking on the way to Marnie’s.

Glancing back, you noticed that he was walking south… that was unusual?

Abandoning your self-imposed tasks for the day, you set to following him.

“Oh Mr. Lewis! How could you suggest something like that?”

You recognised that voice as Leah’s, and crept closer.

“Come now, my dear. I guarantee you will enjoy it, with all the experience I’ve had over the years.”

“Well, when you put it that way, it does sound rather tempting…”

What?

You peeked through a bush to confirm that they were indeed making out.

Suddenly, you notice Marnie standing behind a tree, looking shocked. “So that’s why he never wanted to be public with me… damage his _reputation_ … I’m such a fool!”

“Lewis!” she screamed, advancing towards them. You quickly duck back behind.

“M-Marnie!” he exclaimed.

“You’re such a CHICKEN! And I mean that in the WORST way possible!”

“Come now,” he said, cajoling her. “Perhaps a threesome?”

“Well… when you put it that way…”

Your eyes widened as you realised that she was going for it. Quickly you scamper off.

What the hell was going on?

\--

Grabbing your ore, you headed off to Clint’s.

Opening his door, you shut it immediately upon realising that Mayor Lewis was there. There was no way you could act normal around him now.

Listening in, you could catch words of a conversation.

“Come on, try something new – what do you have to lose?” Mayor Lewis said.

“I don’t know… it’s just not me…”

“I guarantee that once you start you won’t regret it.”

Come on, Clint – stand up for yourself!

“I just can’t…”

“Look, I’ll give you a few days to think about it. No point living your life to only have regrets.”

Sound advice, except knowing Lewis’ character…

You dash out of the way to hide behind the minecarts as you see Lewis coming for the door.

Once he was gone, you enter Clint’s.

“Hey, James. Yep, I’m a blacksmith.”

You laugh awkwardly. “You know, I could really use some dating advice.”

“Oh, you and me both!” Clint said, laughing and rolling his eyes.

“I was thinking of asking Mayor Lewis,” you said nonchalantly.

Immediately, Clint’s face grew dark. “Don’t!” he shouted.

Upon seeing my shock, he sighed. “Look, it’s better to be yourself… be _natural_.”

“Well, he knew my Grandfather… surely he must be old enough to have some wisdom.”

Clint pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t think this should go further than this room, but the Mayor is into cheating. He said that he could give me a way to make myself irresistible to women, through _magic_.”

“Magic?!”

“Sounds silly, huh?” Clint said laughing, but then grew more sober. “But I can see that it made the Mayor what he is. First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women – just like that movie. Guess that’s why no one cared to challenge him. Who knows what else he could do?”

“I see,” you said, mind in a whirl.

You turned to leave.

Clint looked frightened. “Hey… best to keep this between us, eh?”

“Don’t worry – I won’t get you into trouble,” you said, giving him a reassuring smirk.

Now it’s off to see the wizard.

\--

“A love spell?” the wizard said, brows knitting.

“There must be something like that. What do you know about it?”

He laughed. “It’s so powerful that you wouldn’t even have to choose between people you want – you could have them all!”

“So that’s what Mayor Lewis is using?”

The wizard’s eyes narrowed. “Yes. I cast it for him, as payment for getting divorced.”

“You must know how to reverse it!”

“Oh, I know many spells. Including ones to wipe someone’s memory,” he said threateningly.

“Please, this is not the way things should be!”

The wizard sighed. “Perhaps you are right. I never wanted to cause harm to people. When I used it on that shop-owner’s wife, only a blessing came of it. And I don’t need to rely on it anymore,” he said proudly.

You stifled a gasp. “But there are negative repercussions from it when Mayor Lewis uses it,” you continued.

“Very well,” the wizard said. “If you pay him 50 000 gold as my divorce fee, I will reverse the spell.”

“Done,” you said, relieved.

\--

The town was in an uproar.

Mayor Lewis was gone.

So many faces were relieved.

That night, your Grandfather visited you in your dreams, smiling down on you.


End file.
